Psalm 6

I'm looking at the clock and it is slowly dawning upon me just how close of a friend late nights and I have been becoming lately. I started such a healthy habit of going to bed before midnight and getting up at the latest, 9AM, for a devotional and a run. I'm not sure where that went. My guess is that it fled with the summer. Now I'm clenching my growing gut and asking myself "Where in time did this go wrong?" I wish some of my pounds would've hitched a ride with my healthy living habits. My quiet times remain so I suppose it's not all that bad.

Two nights ago I wrote the first song I've written since about two or three months ago. I got hung up on so much surrounding music, words, what God wants out of them, what I should be willing to offer, and other things in that realm that I lost a taste for creating things altogether really. I still wrote, but not with the goal of putting it to anything. I've been in the Psalms almost all of the time lately. I almost feel this guilt for not spending as much time in the gospels as I did over the summer. I'm not sure how I should feel about that guilt. The scripture doesn't say much about reading itself. At any rate, Psalms is where I've been and it's been very real reading through the text. Sometimes I'm lost, but most of the time I find myself. You encounter anguish and praise alike. In a lot of ways it juxtaposes the sun-rising, rainbow-sparkling, enamel-shining portrait of American Christianity we find in any Christian Family Bookstore or kitsch Thomas Kinkade painting with a darkness-overtaking, grief-inducing, teeth-gnashing experience that has just as much play in our walk with God.

But more than all of that fancy talk, it gives hope to a broken man like me.

This semester has really been a mix of experiences. Unfortunately, more bad that good. However fortunately, it has given God multiple opportunities to show up. From marital issues with my newly-wed sister leading up to a now 'ex-communication' from my family, to constant thoughts fears about my father and my non-existent relationship with him. That spans from feelings of failure as an adequate son to learning how I can operate as a loving Christian one. In my journey of re-learning what it means to be a man - for God this time - I've realized that I have missed out on a lot as a young boy and I see it in my selfishness as well as in the way that my mind works. Of course, no father is perfect and thank God for a heavenly one, but some serious renovations still need to happen in this heart of mine. I have no clue what and that's led me into a rather reflective spiritual depression. One of course I have shared and prayed about with brothers and kept facilitated by the thoughts and cries of these Psalmists. They know so much that I don't. John Piper felt called to speak this sermon on Spiritual Depression in the Psalms and I found it so unbelievably liberating. It teaches how to be struck down well, how to be in turmoil well, and how to be downcast well.

Anyway, the song is my prayer of Psalm 6; a beautiful, honest, and biblical prayer for God's presence and an illustration of his current reality far from Him. Click here to download it.

The Scripture:

1 O Lord, rebuke me not in your anger,
nor discipline me in your wrath.
2 Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am languishing;
heal me, O Lord, for my bones are troubled.
3 My soul also is greatly troubled.
But you, O Lord—how long?

4 Turn, O Lord, deliver my life;
save me for the sake of your steadfast love.
5 For in death there is no remembrance of you;
in Sheol who will give you praise?

6 I am weary with my moaning;
every night I flood my bed with tears;
I drench my couch with my weeping.
7 My eye wastes away because of grief;
it grows weak because of all my foes.

8 Depart from me, all you workers of evil,
for the Lord has heard the sound of my weeping.
9 The Lord has heard my plea;
the Lord accepts my prayer.
10 All my enemies shall be ashamed and greatly troubled;
they shall turn back and be put to shame in a moment.

The Piece:

Please keep Your anger in
I need a break from discipline
Heal me, 'cause there's something in my bones
And I languish all alone
How long? How long must I wait for You?

In death, Your portrait disappears,
The singing leaves my ears
In night, I flood my bed with tears
I drench my couch in fear

Depart from me:
Workers of the Father of Lies
For the Lamb has heard my cry
And the grief can leave my eye

Even I:
One with a tarnished soul,
One with the worst of souls
Can smile
In the face of old
Can rest
In the shepherd's death