White As Snow

Who turned off the heat in this apartment? I faintly remember feeling at least a small taste of heat between my toes last week. It’s nowhere to be found these days where it has conveniently been frigid outside. My car welcomed me in the morning with a sheet of frost that my windshield wipers simply wouldn’t do away with. I was a bit remiss about going into my trunk and removing all of my tennis equipment and boxes just to find a scraping tool. Instead, I found it more convenient to start the car and sit in it until the foggy frost melted away. With no avail, I busted out a bottle of Poland Spring and splashed it on the windshield so that, in even one out of the three minutes of driving ahead of me to my 3D Design course, I could make out a traffic light. Long story short: it has been cold.

I’m almost entirely sure that nothing has been passing through the heater in my apartment except for rats. Yesterday I heard a rodent scratching at the inside of the metal plate against my wall. I kicked it in curiosity. I don’t foresee a mice infestation but I did put a piece of cardboard over a potential opening for them to take a free roam of my apartment. Rodents don’t really bother me so I won’t be the one to complain to the super. Just hit them with something and call it a day.

I have a midterm this afternoon that I actually feel ready to take. I’m quite proud of myself for the caliber of concentration I've invested in studying. Sadly, a lot of my time has been distributed irresponsibly and I’ve supplanted my potential quiet times with either schoolwork or job responsibilities. I’ve tried my best to genuinely pray when I’m either on the road or not around people, but I feel like it’s not the same. It’s odd because this isn’t a works-based guilt and I’m so happy to find my love in learning about my Love. To feel the growing distance from Him impact the way I think and act in one aspect is painful because I am in fact feeling distant and therefore somewhat incomplete. However, at the same time, I don’t worry because my God is my number one love and with that in mind I know that He is always with me. I used to always pray “God please be here, please be with me.” And maybe this was a necessary cry, but is He not present to hear my prayer? More reason to rejoice.

My brother, Tim Shin, challenged me yesterday to keep my mind alert for every time that I complain or feel the need to defend myself. Fact of the matter is that I don’t have any reason to constantly justify myself in my shortcomings, but rather the shortcomings are what reveal the craters in my character in which God’s grace & power need to fill. The bigger question is if I will recognize that or have arguments, rationalizations, and confrontations in my head about what I do and don’t deserve. It’s easy to be filled with self-righteousness. For me especially, it is easy for me to fall into a pattern of self deprecation and unhealthy rebuke towards myself for my inadequacy. When I watch The Passion of Christ, the scenes that tug on my heart the most are the scenes of betrayal. The look on Judas’ and Peter’s face when they recognize the injustice they’ve committed, the hypocrisy they’ve allowed their minds to be drunk in, and the betrayal of our only hope: the betrayal of pure Love. I feel like them almost all of the time. Sometimes it’s good because it unveils the true goodness of grace, mercy, and sacrifice. However, sometimes it amplifies the dirt on my flesh so much so that I become something like a germaphobe; God has washed me white as snow, but my head is constantly peeked over my shoulder, inspecting every greasy pore for a speck of dirt to condemn myself for. Foolish me to think that when God said “White as snow,” He forgot to say “With a little bit of piss in the snow.” There are no artifacts after His cleansing. I am a saint! What an odd thing to say.