Weirder Days

What a title, eh? I feel so incredibly weird these days. I found myself getting just a little bit emotional about God as I watched the "Afternoon with Shane & Shane" DVD in my apartment earlier. Today wasn't a bad day. I made such a big commotion about completing my 3D Design project for tomorrow, but I finished it in really no time at all. We had to write a blurb about ourselves, our personality, our dreams etc. and swap them around. Then, we had to create a box where the outside and inside describe the personality that we got. It was pretty interesting and I liked the concept. The girl that I had was one who loved being a perfectionist. She's into fashion and she said that she would fight for those whom she loved. Halfway into her autobiography, she mentioned that she has a lot of anxiety and although she appears really outgoing, she doesn't like to be. She'd rather be by herself. I know people like that. I'm like that more often than not. Because of that, it was really easy making my box. I kinda played off of the dueling outward and inward personalities by constructing a heart-shaped box that's a holder for a bottle of Tylenol. It can get hard and sometimes the heart really needs a push.

This week was week #2 for new floods of people at Imago Dei. For once, I tried my best to focus in prayer and praise. I wanted everything to point to God and I wanted it to be as genuine as it possibly could. Probably the greatest gift from God was the fact that my mic was off. I could actually tell the difference between when I knew I was coming through and when I didn't. I can't explain it. I mean at all times there is this balance of bringing praise to my God and performing because there's a microphone in front of my face. On one end of the spectrum you really want to encourage people and "lead" praise. But on the other hand those signals are so similar to just acting overspiritual while you're up there. Sometimes it's like I could just sing at Volume 85% as I'm singing this prayer out to God, or I could get lost in the music and sing at Volume 100% and say it was all from the excitement and hype I had for praising. With worship you can really overspiritualize everything you explain if you don't know your weaknesses too well. I've been singing up there since the summer and I've realized one thing I guess: A lot of people categorize successful worship from the leaders' standpoint as a praise time where everyone was on-point and nailed every note and line almost perfectly. A praise time where the slides were in order, everyone was "feeling it" and they sang and played with a lot of energy. There's nothing wrong with any of that. But I've experienced that and felt terrible because I just traded in so much glory to God for the idea of the performance itself. Does that make any sense?

I met a new guy from PBU named Steve. I'm meeting all these awesome qwerky white dudes that somehow stumble upon our church vans. It's cool. You learn so much about yourself when you meet new people. You learn how awkward or outgoing you are, how nerdy or cool you are, how annoying or tolerable you are. I get so paranoid that I always jump in between different facets of my personality. I'll have an outburst of charisma and interest in meeting a person and then once I've run out of things to say, I retreat back into my shell. It's a new awkwardness every time. Somehow I just think that if I remain less conscious of relationship-building, maybe God will just bring new people into my life through my nature that he knows so well. Now does that make any sense? Sometimes it's kinda like we're acting when we meet new people. Nomatter what, if we want to introduce ourselves to a new person, we're pigeon-holed into a small pond of possible conversations (18-23 College stuff, 24-up work stuff, etc.) and a handfull of personalities to have as we do it. It just seems weird. Some people would say "What are you talking about? You think way too much about this."

I disagree. I know I'm making perfect sense this time. I've seen some of the most experienced people-people in action. It's 80% acting. Not judging or anything. It's cool. Just interesting to observe and think about.