The Same Power Circumstance

There is something absolutely magnificent about being plucked from a plush comfort zone and then being submerged into a new circumstance. I’ll refrain from saying that I “needed this.” Frankly, I have a fixed set of necessities and for the most part they all remain constantly within my reach. However, there have been at least three different instances this semester when I would sit in my living room, mid-conversation with God, and sigh to him, “I need a retreat.”

Now I know what this sounded like at face value; it sounded like an unhealthy addiction to Christian events. It sounds like an unhealthy need for a moment to point to or, dare I use Christian cultural vernacular, a “high” of sorts that could remind me that God is closer than I perceive. This is not the case and so far never has been. I wasn’t raised going on retreats as a child so they have a different meaning, value, and place for me. However, when I did exhale and confess to God my need for such an event, I was asking for a window to be opened. It is extremely difficult for me to articulate the recurring requests I felt to leave my apartment, to leave Ewing in search of something only God would really know. I wanted a break from my college situation, a break from my cliques, and I wanted to be put into a position of service to God. However, I didn’t want a permanent break. I am supposed to be where I currently am.

I wanted to leave for a short while and I wanted to serve alongside people with similar desires to please God. The less I knew them, the better because I wouldn’t fall into a pattern of play or scripted joking around and procrastination like I usually do. It’s not normal for someone to think like this. I know. For the longest time I have become so accustomed to seeking approval and acceptance from my peers that it is only when I am geographically removed that I actually recognize the fresh air available for a good inhale. I came back home from college on winter break not too long before the retreat and I have had so much empty space in my head! It is so incredibly liberating! And with a fresh perspective in Christ, I can safely see repentance from these unnecessarily imprisoning and restricting thought patterns. Whether I was right or wrong in praying or even desiring such a thing is something that I have no clue about. However, nothing quite explains God’s answer to my prayer for a new circumstance and renewal quite like the “Winter Jubilee” retreat I was invited to serve in these past five days.

Timothy Shin, probably the closest brother I’ve come to know during my undergrad career, invited me into this circumstance. I was aware that every winter his home church region would have some form of a ‘jubilant’ retreat for junior and senior high school students. I remember I designed the t-shirt for the 2006 retreat the first year we met. Seeing that we’ve already been working together as a worship team for a decent year, he invited me alongside him for this year’s retreat and surprisingly I was able to go. I was very excited about it and couldn’t wait to receive details about the theme and scripture so that I could conjure a visual face for it and ultimately study God’s art for inspiration of my own. As time progressed, more information became available about the retreat and things got organized. When winter break started I had the opportunity to really grind out some animations and burn some brain cells. I thoroughly enjoyed it. The date was approaching when the whole worship team would come together, practice, and slay this beast.

Oh, the first night that we all met? Somehow we managed to already have a set of inside jokes to laugh hysterically at. Is that absolutely ridiculous? Yes.

It was all a beautiful blessing. There are no highlights in my head, no specific mystical moments or anything. All I knew was that when it came time for me to turn the ignition and roll out, I wanted to leave but I really didn’t.

I haven’t felt that in a while.

I met and worked with awe-inspiring brothers and sisters. Two of which I already knew for three years. One of which thinks exactly like I do and I surprisingly get along with him really well. Let me tell you that I don’t like meeting new people my age and especially don’t like opening up about spiritual thoughts right away but for some reason I was able to. Triple-H, Shin Lamyun/K. Chi, Si-Chin/Shi-Chin/She-Chin/Dan, Moe, Jae-Jae the Jetplane, Marcos, and Ben: beautiful people with beautiful hearts for the kingdom. I’m so humbled, encouraged, exposed, ecstatic, paralyzed, and rapturous over the love and service that God blessed this group with. Even in the face of a tough spot, God cleared the path and pulled us all out.

This is five days. What could be so rich in five days that I could possibly occupy three single-spaced pages in Microsoft Word writing over? The blessing unto the brothers and sisters I worked with and the presence of God among our group in light of our prayers and love.

For the sole purpose of documentation, I must explain the staggering caliber of joy in my heart and tense nerves in my jaw from smiling. The adjectives running through my mind to describe this experience are literally collaging over all of my other thoughts. From seeing God work in students, to leaders, to members of our worship team, to re-recognizing what God’s gospel is for the XXth time.

Hanna. What a beautiful heart God has renewed in my sister! Her willingness to listen, learn, lead, and teach are amazing and encouraging. Her voice is made to sing praises to God and I’m praying that God will continue to heave every syllable from her voice box. She is a good sport and a willing soul. I love her jokes. They have their own context for laughter. She has her own context for laughter: every context.

Jae. He is so hot and so jacked. Kidding. The man came from Cali to work with us. Moe kept telling me that he has a bad temper but I didn’t see it. He was one of the two worship leaders who doubled up as counselors for the kids as well. I can’t imagine how much work they had to pour into this retreat, especially considering the training involved! I really respect him and his ministry and I know that he loves God immensely. He’s an encouragement to me and an example of a chill man of God. He can also take a good photo and own noobs on Halo.

Ben. The other hard working counselor/leader. This man just has his eyes on God’s heart. No talking, just doing. He speaks the truth to the best of his ability and really knows how to lead a group of difficult middle school kids. Lord knows I am completely incapable of doing so. He has a great amount of patience and I see him being an awesome father. Better yet, an awesome father in Christ!

Si-Chin. I love this guy so much. He is so funny. He wants to go to seminary and become a pastor and he has my prayers for that. I see God truly using him to grow his church and lead those who may fall astray. He’s a listener, a thinker, and he’s got so much of my respect.

Moses. I save the sexiest for last. Moe is a total arsehole because he got me genuinely missing a dude I’ve only known for five days. The truth is that he tells the full truth and keeps it as real and raw. I appreciate his outward character and input. He was an encouragement to me even before we met in person and now I'm mad that we actually did. He says what you’re scared to say. He loves God. And he yearns to keep it all about God in his ministry. We had a really engaging conversation late at night that, quite honestly, is the most I’ve mentally opened up to anyone in a year. He has a heart for ministry and at the same time isn’t introverted so it’s an incredible relief for people like me who like a worthwhile conversation when it makes itself available. He’s warm to sleep next to and although he cannot produce pungent, he can still produce audible farts. Moe is the man.

The serving worship experience as I know it wouldn’t be the same without the Christocentric song selection from Tim & and a biblically inspired leadership from Marcos. God’s really used them both in multiple areas of their leadership to bring himself true glory.

What more can I say? It would probably be unhealthy to dwell on such a great time for too long so let me just close by saying that God made it all happen. God pulled on my heart strings to make me recognize that the same power that conquered the grave and rescued the earth lives in me. I realized that I don’t have to get on my tip toes and reach up to God. He reaches down and stands right in front of me, ready to listen if I would only cut the fake talk and ask him for the power to speak truthfully.