One Day

I know what people mean when they say they have a "knot in their chest." For some reason I am having the most difficult time retaining any information that I am studying. I have come to the conclusion that I will study what I can and write whatever I can pull out of my memory on final exam day. I have a graphic design history final on this upcoming Tuesday and I truly wish that my professor exercised a greater amount of mercy and consideration in his testing date. I'm a bit frustrated that it is on an official "Study Day" and he is not a very experienced test-composer. Once this final is finished, I'm not sure how much I will care when it is all over. I'm almost certain that the lowest grade I can receive is a C and at that point I can't say I care because I haven't gotten less than an A- at this institution. I'm more or less just paying for my degree.

It's Sunday night and this is about the third week that I am completely unable to musically and corporately worship God. I'm not sure what it is. It could quite possibly be an immeasurable amount of selfish buildup in my chest and brain, clogging and rendering me completely speechless and deaf to the idea of surrender. God's helped me get the guilt part out of the way. I fall short on my own and it is only Christ who redeems me. I was listening to downhere's "Forgive Yourself" and I finally understood what they were talking about. I'm slowly learning what manhood is; I feel like a lot of it revolves around selflessness and, ironically, compassion. It's a lot of restraint from whining, fighting, and running when it seems so easy to do them. Just today I feel like I made 4 sober-minded choices that I typically wouldn't. I won't be quick to pat myself on the back, however. That's not what this is about.

I can't wait until winter break so that I can just not think about anything. I don't want to think at all. I don't want to think about the past, talk about the future or anything. I was watching a Facebook video that I was tagged in earlier today of my friends goofing off and trying to rap. I want to go home to that: just loving Jesus and living. I don't want to listen to people's thoughts, judgments, or criticicms. I don't want to prove anything. I don't want anyone to prove anything to me. I don't want to hear my parents fight or my sister talk herself into thinking everything is okay when it isn't. I don't want to see my brother-in-law's face. The only face I want to see is Jesus's. I held my steering wheel so tight on my way home from church; I recognized that I actually need Christ. He can't simply coexist with other treasures in my life. Everything has failed. Even the prison of lust has (temporarily) lost its taste. Satan is a liar and the father of lies...and next to the light of Christ, incredibly boring. I'm looking forward to serving at this upcoming winter retreat. High school kids always wake me up and serving God with my brothers is...a divine blessing.