My Piano & I

We got to know each other especially better today. Since I got back from Trinidad, I had been meaning to jump on it and try to learn some tunes. Possibly maybe even make something. I was sitting in my room idle when I realized how long it's been since I last praised God through music. I hadn't gone to church the two Sundays that I was in Trinidad, and when I got back for some reason I just completely forgot about church on that Sunday. I don't feel like satan spawn or anything; God is still there and I've still been somewhat learning, but it has been a significant amount of time since I last really outwardly gave thanks to my God for everything he's done. I've surely not been able totalk with anyone about it or how I'm doing either for that matter. I got to talk to my bro Matt a few days ago about God and stuff. It was a good talk. We got to discuss the ever-so-controversial evangelism topic and about his position in life. I'm excited for what God's gonna do next semester. Because you know that He's going to do something. He always does. Lord, you seriously move me in ways that I can't understand.

These past couple days back in the U.S. have been especially long. I haven't even been here for a full week but it feels like forever as every day drags by. I love the sense of longevity, however I really just want to move into my apartment and see all of my friends again. Being up here has been...well boring. You I get to hang with Jon, Paul, Will, Alvin, and everybody else, but it just feels like the same thing over and over. It's like we're trying to relive out the old high school weekends we used to have every day of the summer. Moreover, we all call ourselves "believers" but we don't really do anything that's set apart. We would never think of having a praise night or a bible study or anything that really matters. We'll just pull on each others pride as we play video games all day and scrape the bottom of the pot for dirty jokes. I seem overly judgmental right now, but I'm really not. I'm guilty too because I haven't spoke up. I guess my question is always "what should I say? should I tell everyone to turn off teh video games, light a candle, and talk about Jesus?" I talked about this with Joe and his response was just "Well you have to speak up." Thanks. I never thought of that one. I catch everyone one-on-one, but we never do anything together. I'm not sure what to do. I know whenever I try to rally people up to do something I'm being "too holy" or something. I'm always some type of intruder. This is why I never go anywhere. God, you know it's tryue. I try to serve you and create an environment for that and everyone is like "screw you." That's why I can't wait to leave. I really can't. I just want to run away on the inside. No more old me. The old is gone and the new has come.

At any rate, because of how deprived I was of praise, I went downstairs and taught myself some praise songs from the chords in the internet. I picked it up really quickly and it was awesome. The more songs I went through, the faster I picked them up. I wasn't aware of my piano skills. I also wasn't aware of how I could totally honor God by doing this. I not only God to sing to God, but create music with my hands to lift up high to Him. My playing was filled with mess-ups and errors...but what blows me away is that he allows it in His presence and loves me so much for it. This is what I was born to do. I love music so much. I'm almost sad it took me so long to realize how much I love it. I played from 4pm-6pm, then 9am-3am, and then I woke up this morning and played until 8:30pm.

It was cool playing the piano again, but cooler just getting those moments where I felt like I was truly honoring my God. Come in close and speak. God, come closer to me. I loved every second of it. Sometimes, it was all about the music and the cool performance. I feel so cool playing and singing. It's like a dream I've dreamt since I was a kid. It took long enough to fulfill it. But at least I'm doing it to something with purpose. I cuaght God in between and towards the end. I felt this need to put the whole piano practive thing to a close with my dad and have him walk in to me playing and singing beautiful music. I totally planned it. He liked it! I don't know if I feel more accomplished or something.

I have this odd tendency to imagine myself playing my favorite songs in front of this crowd of everyone I could dream of impressing. I do it when I'm bored. It's why I'm so good at air guitaring. I'm not sure if I'll ever tell anyone that. Probably not. At any rate, I'm working towards stopping that. When I was in middle school, it was harmless. I think everyone wants to be a star when they're a kid. But I like haven't stopped doing that when I listen to music once in a while and I'd like to because I think it messes with my head a little. Shouldn't be hard.

Songs I played:

Mighty to Save
At The Cross
Breathe
Closer
Song of the Redeemed
Hosanna
From The Inside Out
Marvelous Light
Center

I'm pretty proud of myself. I guess there's so much more to come. It's funny how after so many years, the first time I actually enjoy playing the piano is today and I fell in love with it 2 days before I leave it forever for my new apartment. I'll just borrow Grace's. She never uses it. In a way...I don't feel like I need to be that "cool musician guy" anymore. I always had this little feeling of inadequacy because I gave up lessons and my dad never ever let it go. I don't really want to play the piano in my band because...well I don't need to. I don't need to prove anything. God called me to write and sing. I'm gonna do that first. Anything else will come if it's absolutely necessary.