Slighted

I was eating a early dinner with my friend Matt and he mentioned a word to me that I had never heard before. He told me that he was thinking of dropping out of his a cappella group because he was feeling very uncomfortable and slighted. I asked him what that meant...I was pretty sure I knew what he was saying but he told me anyway. He said he felt like no one listens to him or acknowledges his ideas. I was so obsessed with that word because I had been looking for one just like it. I looked it up on dictionary.com and this is what it said:

slight (v.) - to treat as of small importance; make light of. to treat with discourteous reserve or inattention.

I have a big problem with feeling belittled, and often times i feel slighted by my friends. The core of the problem is that I never know if it's just me or not. I really need to grow up and move on but I can never help but look back at my past whenever I'm picked on, tested, or made fun of in fun or not. I wasn't cool. I played no sport. I was pretty socially awkward. I had a bully every grade of my life until I got to leave my home town in high school and start over. Yeah, sounds embellished, but it's a fairly accurate summary; this is the world we live in. Years have passed and a God has carried me away in His embrace. He has gently broken me and given me freedom. Likewise, He has showed me how much of this life is meant for Him and how much of this life I need to spend in surrender. At the end of the day, it's not about me. And people will say things and they may not mean for it to bother me, so why would I let it? Why would I be paranoid. Most of these people are my brothers in Christ! Why would I ever assume that they wanted to hurt me?

But that's my problem. My mother always told me "Satchell, you always think that the world is out to get you." I never understood that until this year. I always think that my friends want to call out my every mistake and break me down. And it's intentionally happened before..and it's known to happen with a lot of Christians. We acknowledge brokenness, but we love to judge things first. I'm guilty of it. And I do it. I always bottle up and let it build right before I crack. No one has the patience for people who are like this. They're the "party poopers." They don't know how to have fun. They ruin a good joke. Everyone I know is a good sport. Why can't I be. Oh Lord, I pray that I can be. I pray that I can have a soft heart for these things and not break so easily. Lord I pray for thick skin. It's all pride. Like...I'm the one who was humbled with all of the pranks and jokes, but it's pride that drives my anger towards being slighted.

More often than not I feel so inadequate. One reason why I love Brad so much and really let him into my life as a true brother is because he is someone who just encourages and encourages and loves and says it and is just there. He's broken just like me, but for some reason God built him with this mechanism to verbalize his care. I want to be...I pray to be a leader just like him.